She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Randomize
