i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
I FOUND THE LEGS
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
