he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
i would have smoked before this dance, how ever i have surgery Monday and I looked up weed and anesthesia and fatalities was mentioned, so i decided that it would be a bad idea
probs a good idea
i like the whole idea of life and being alive
you sure you're not high?
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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