Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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