I wish my penis had an off switch
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
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