I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
