too bad you live with your parents still
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
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