We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
We don't watch enough power rangers
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
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