Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize