dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Ladies don't puke and tell
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
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