Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
