For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
they call him Oral-B. enough said
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
