Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
