he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
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