Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
