the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
