halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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