lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
I don't deserve a penis
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Randomize
