Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Randomize