you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
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