I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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