you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
the raccoons are back...
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