literally had 100 drinks last night.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
