Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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