On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
My hot female boss's cubical is right next to mine with a wall between us. Do you think it is too forward to make a glory hole in the wall?
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
Randomize
