The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
Randomize
