We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
