Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Randomize
