he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Randomize
