And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
All the doctor said was why
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
