Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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