but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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