Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
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