My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
