yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
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