there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
Randomize
