Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
So. Camera broke because I tried to wash it under the sink, kristi had to take me home and I woke up to my computer showing me that I googled how t take more than one shot at a time. I'd say the night was a success.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
This gyro tastes like lonliness
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Randomize
