i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
