just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
she peed on how many people?
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
