sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
My vagina just recognized that song.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
When are your genitals available?
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
