My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
50% drunk capacity currently
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Randomize
