obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
This baby is an asshole
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
i think im in europe. pls send help
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
