even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
