Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
