i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
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