i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Randomize