Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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