next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
