I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
