i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
