she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
