Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
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