I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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