We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Randomize
