so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Randomize
