I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
