I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
she told me i tasted like america
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
