I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I think my nap took me to another dimension
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
i think i just lost a toe
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
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