he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
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