that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
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