the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
Floor bacon is actually really good
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
